Humilitation should always be served in a public arena

There are moments when I wish the Universe would toss me a bone of mercy or just swallow me whole to put me out any further self-inflicted foolishness. Yesterday afternoon was such a day. I had visited the doctor in the morning to discuss with him my ongoing sleep issues, meaning my inability to perform the task of sleeping. Since the Texan exited the picture I have been able to dispense with most of my need for Ativan but I still can't sleep. And I haven't been able to sleep for a little over six years. Oh, right, since Devon was diagnosed with his heart defect and I had to get up hourly to check on him just to satisfy an obsessive need to make sure he made it through to the next hour. Yes, that bit formed a pattern that to this day screams in my sleep deprived ears, "NO SLEEPING, BITCH. YOU SLEEP AND EVERY PERSON YOU LOVE WILL DIE!". We all have our issues, one of a handful of mine is the above mentioned issue of everybody I know and love perishing in a blink of an eye. Whatever.

So anyway, yesterday. Long line at the pharmacy. I was getting some Lunesta so I can fall asleep at night and not wake up in a cold panic and quietly sneak into the children's' rooms with a mirror to check their breathing. It's a small town pharmacy where I am always sure to encounter at least 12 people from my childhood. Sure enough there was my Kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Fisher. We shared the regular exchange of how cute my kids are, my how they've grown, etc. When it came time for me to get my new subscription I answered all the questions: no, I don't want drug counseling, yes, I really want this prescription, etc. And then I slid my card though the machine. It was denied. I can't remember the last time this happened because I am so careful. If I don't have it, I don't spend it. Also, I know if I don't have it and try to spend it the cashier will say in an obnoxiously loud voice, "Ma'am, your card was denied. Do you have another form of payment?" No. I don't use other cards, was out of checks and never have cash. Duh. I slunk away, waved good-bye to my old teacher while Cass and Devon kept asking what was wrong, and just wanting to be absorbed into the earth the entire time.

Once home I opened up my account only to see that the biggest of all my auto payments, the one I had rescheduled to run in a couple of weeks because I have so many other bills right now, yes that one had been run early. It's for the children's tuition and the school has been fairly flexible since the whole my-ex-husband-had-a-stroke-can't-work-and-can't-take-the-kids thing. I couldn't bring myself to call them and bare more of my nakedness idiocy to them. So. I called Matt and did something I haven't done in a super long time, I asked for money. Yup. My ex-husband who is helping to take care of his dying father, get his mom in a nursing home and has to take enough blood pressure medication everyday just to stay alive. I'm classy like that. He said he would transfer me some funds because he's cool like that.

This morning I checked my account again. No bounced checks or drafts. Only one check out. Of course that was the one to somebody I know. Another childhood teacher. She's in by book club, friends with other friends, I see her driving on our shared road on a near daily basis...and I could totally see the tellers at the bank having to inform her that, no there was no money in my account because I'm an irresponsible buffoon. Fortunately, the bank paid it, the transferred funds got there in time and I accrued no fees. This afternoon I was again waiting in the absurdly long line at the pharmacy and hoping when it was my turn they wouldn't all point at me, laugh and say, "Ooooooh, go away, no money girl!" And that is when it dawned on me, I have a shiny new, fully loaded flexible spending card in my wallet. The one for things like co-pays and prescriptions. Duh. The one that had been there all along. Because me? I'm clever like that.