Sunday, July 17, 2011

Sky Beam, I think I hate you

Dear People at Sky Beam,

If there was something the opposite of a sponsored post this would be it. Simply put, you suck.

You suck in the way that stepping barefoot in dog shit sucks. You suck in the way that bouncing a check sucks. You suck like a harsh hangover and thoughtlessly placed hickey suck. You suck like losing your only set of keys in the snow sucks. I think you see where I'm going here.

Your bandwidth is fully insufficient in the Western Colorado region. You know this because nearly everybody over here who is forced to use your slack-ass company calls on a monthly basis and tells you about this issue. You will usually give us $5 off our monthly bill and promise things will get better, perhaps some sort of tower will go up over here....

You have yet to deliver on any of your poorly expressed intentions of improving our service. Is it that you believe we here in the mountains are used to slowness and can be set aside? Or maybe you think if you keep ignoring us we'll just go away? Or maybe you assume we are all out hunting prairie dogs? None of the above are the case. We are pissed. Pissed in a way that makes us want to trudge over the Divide, find your offices and leave bodily fluids upon your desks to soak into your keyboards. then your computers won't work and you'll be screwed. Sort of like us on a daily basis.

Sky beam, if I were a super hero my Super Twin powers would be all about covering you in an icy waterfall cast. Were I a comet I'd be sure to land my flame kissed ass upon your buildings. If I could be a predatory animal, I'd be the lion and you a baby gazelle separated from your herd. Me a super virus? You an old lady with a weak immune system. And lastly, if I happened to be a big, ole gross booger? You'd totally be my wiping spot. Yup. That's just how much I am unhappy with your sloppy service and lack of caring.

Love and kisses,



  1. Wow... your post kicked ass!!! I know I'm not supposed to laugh, given how pissed off you are with Sky Beam, but some of the analogies are so outrageous and yet brilliant, I kinda enjoyed your rants. You write one hell of a complain letter, sista! I think you'll make money if you ever sell it as a template for complaint letters! lol

    Just for this post alone, I would become your follower. Hoppin' over from Blogstar :)

  2. Glad I could lend an entertainment hand there! I can roll with many things, but slow internet? I think not. A girl's got her standards.

  3. mmmm yeah, when I have spoken to them (on behalf of clients who are too choked with venom to speak to them) they explain that the location, the mountains, the weather, my attitude, have every thing to do with their bad service. Funny thing, tho, Sopris managed to provide using the exact same towers and most of the same equipment.quite nicely for years. Add an air card to your family account and call it good. No netflix for you!

  4. So what you're saying is that you aren't all out hunting prairie dogs...? lol I'm kidding! You had me at: "You suck in the way that stepping barefoot in dog shit sucks." That line will be forever ingraved in my memory. It's poetic even!

  5. I'm with Sandra: that line will forever be my standard for suckiness.

  6. Well, yes, prairie dog is a staple of any mountain girl's dailysdiet. They're tasty ans they teach the young'ung good fine hand coordination through shooting and skinning.

    When I was a kid we had huge basset hounds who made equally enormous poohs. It was hell on a 4 year old in the summer when playing in the yard. Stepping in dog shit is a phobia to this very day.

  7. I was returning the favor since you stopped by MY blog, and am SO glad. Ok, I know it isn't funny, but this post? Made me laugh. So thanks for htat one!

  8. I don't know who Sky Beam is, but I do know that I want you to help me write the next eff-you letter to a company that's pissed me off! That was great!

    eleanore - The Spinsterlicious Life

  9. They really do suck. I don't even have their service and they are giving me issues.

    They just recently put a new access node in my area and all it seems to do is cause interference with my ISP which here-to-fore has been awesome.

    Maybe if enough people hate skybeam the collective force of our ill will can cause them to shutdown.