Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Donkey Talk

This last time I was in Utah to visit Matt while he stays with his father was different than other I've spent there. For one thing his mother is now in a nursing home, which is really a good thing for everybody involved because she has 24/7 care and the home is a wee bit more peaceful now. Matt's father is also dying of cancer and so the house had a much different feel this time around. One other thing is that now Tom, Matt's dad, is in a smaller bedroom on a hospital bed and no longer in the room he once shared with Pat. Because the lower level is in some bizarre state of perpetual sub-arctic temperatures year around, the kids and I stayed upstairs in the master bedroom in the enormous king sized bed with a charming view of a field populated by llamas, sheep and a lone donkey. Picturesque, yes? Tranquil? Hell and no.

That damn donkey woke me up every morning at about 4:00 with the most horrendous "EEEEEH-HAAAAAWWWWW! EEEEEH-HAAAAWWWWW!!" This would go on for about five minutes and leave me pissed off and yearning for ass meat with a side of scrambled eggs when I got up for the day. It sucked. The odd thing is when I would mention this in the mornings to the other folk in the house it was if I was insane, because not only had nobody ever actually seen the donkey out in the field, they had obviously never heard him. Of course this only added to my ever present pocket full of paranoia when I'm in the Land O" Mormon. I fancy myself as a bit of an outcast since Matt and I have been divorced for eight years, Devon is six, Matt and I have been off and on so many times that his family doesn't really have a category for me any more other than The Mother of the Children. So my imaginary donkey night frights made me even more self-conscious. Whatever. Anyway, now that time is dragging on, Matt remains in Utah and the children and I miss him I sometimes scroll through our texts to fill time. Here I have to add that one of the things I have always held dear about Matt is that he can make me laugh and he is wicked good with words. Following are some excerpts from the last month or so, straight from the donkey's foul mouth.

Matt: Donkey just said, "Good Morning." He misses you. He told me so.

Me: You tell Donkey I'm gonna make him into a stew and eat him.

Matt: Donkey told me he really thinks you're a bit of a fucktard. He was just afraid to say so.
_ _______________________________________________________

Matt: Donkey was bitching about you this morning.

Me: Donkey can kiss my ass.

Matt: Donkey might be right about you, you know.

Me: Donkey is obviously a fuckwit. He's jealous of my orthodontically fixed teeth.

Me: How's Donkey doing today?

M: Ok. Donkey still hates your guts though.

Me: Have you told him lately that I'm gonna cook him up into a gluten-free stew and chew on his stringy ass meat?

Now I'm feeling hungry.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Popcorn and chocolate goes well with your ravings. Just sayin'.

  3. Gluten-free stew o' ass. Sounds lovely!

  4. @Z:Popcorn and chocolate are good for and with so many things, but a good rant rates right up there.
    @P:Ass stew should be, and might become with the increase of gas prices, more popular.

  5. LOL. I don't know if I even want to drive thru Utah on my way to California. I keep thinking about all the episodes of Big Love I've seen, and all the really weird devout Mormons I've met. I've met some generally normal Mormons too...but the weird ones are more the norm. And its not because Im uncomfortable with other religious beliefs...I'm from the land of the Amish, for chrissakes!

  6. I've not had any really bizzarre Mormon encounters, my ex's family has been pretty welcoming of me over the years. For me it's more the culture and knowing that it's so out of our everyday norm. Plus, they are all so shiny and clean and their kids are too. And it sort of weirds me out to think that they don't drink caffeine or wine. As a Catholic I was brought up to believe wine was Jesus' favorite....