Starting out the week with a touch of heart break

Matt has been gone in way or another for nearly four months. After his stroke on November 21, he spent 10 days in the hospital followed by about six weeks where he was so exhausted that he often fell asleep for about 20 minutes out of every hour. Then in mid-January he headed out to Utah to help put his mother in a nursing home and take care of all the details concerning his dying father, Tom. Since then the kids and I have been in Utah for a week and Matt spent about two weeks home nearly a month ago. So, yes, all in all it’s been almost four months now of absence.

I’m independent by nature, a bit of an island if you will, but this situation is starting to wear at the edges. At this point I’m working seven days a week, dragging Devon to my weekend job where he is forced to take ski lessons to pass his days. It’s all been tiring and, back before the holidays when Matt was sicker, scary. This morning it all came to a head with Devon. It’s not unusual for me to find truth from Devon, he is simply more sensitive to the universe and his expressions of this are often what spur me to realize just what is what.

Because of our crazy schedule right now my timing, usually not my strong point, is even worse. This morning as I was reading the Friday Notes from Devon’s teacher I noticed it was his turn for Show and Tell. I neglected to inform him of his last few turns and thought I’d make amends by informing him. Of course this led to a frenzy of what he should take and the upset that I’ve not bought him anything cool for a long time. Then he got real quiet and I found him pulling out his drawers of Legos and pawing through them pack rat style. When Dev gets focused there is no interrupting him, so I left him in peace to figure out if I had anything to pack in his lunch since I hadn’t been to the store for the usual Sunday shop. After a time he popped into the kitchen to show me his treasure, an old wallet and coin purse Matt had given him when he upgraded to a new wallet.

Devon: “Look, Mai-Mai! Dad’s wallet! He gave it to me and I found my piggy bank for monies for inside it.”

Me, still searching for lunch foods: “Nice, Dev. That is a super cool thing to share with your friends.”

Devon: “And, look, it even still smells like my dad! He isn’t here, you know, but I can smell him now! I will show my friends and they can all smell my daddy now. Wanna smell Dad?”

Me, hugging him and wanting to cry: “Oh, wow! I’m so glad you found that.”

Devon, so pleased with himself and patting his pocket of treasure, “Yes, I will carry it all the time now.”

And then I did go cry just a bit.

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Of course, life could be worse. This isn't Japan and life here is a breeze compared to the heartache of so many people and families there. For all those people suffering I wish health and hope.