Thursday, April 28, 2011

Striaght to hell

A couple of days ago I tried to take the high road regarding my feelings about my ex-in-laws. Well, perhaps not so high because were I to be truly gracious or noble about the whole thing I would just shut the hell up and turn the other cheek. Today I’m not feeling either of those, in fact my if I possessed the energy I would muster up something of a rage at the pair of them.

Yesterday Matt returned to Provo for what he has assured me will be the last extended stay with his parents. On May 9, Jen will be flying back to Missouri with both parents and then helping them to get situated in an assisted living facility. She clearly is footing the noble shoe in this case and to her I give a salute. Me? I can’t wait for them to board that plane and go two states away because I’m a bitch that way.

I’d be happy to leave it at that were it not for the fact that this last stint is simply so hard on all of us. Last night I picked Cass up from a movie and sensed some teen angst coming off her. When prodded she burst into tears, real tears not the drama ones she sometimes uses to get something shiny.

The tears escalated to sobs, in between which she said: “Mommy, I’m so worried about Dad.”

Me: I know babe. Me too.

Cass: No. You don’t understand. I’m so afraid he’ll die. He had that stroke and he’s so tired from going to Utah and they don’t understand that. They’re going to use him all up and he could die any day.

These are the exact same thoughts I’ve had rattling around in my brain for the past few months. I was startled by our similar thoughts and heartbroken that under her tough shell of badassedness Cassidy has been harboring this fear.

Me: Honey, this is his last trip. You’re right, he is super tired and that is why he took the train out this time. He is really trying to take care of himself.

Cass: Yes, but if he dies our family will be more broken and then you’ll get depressed again and I might lose you too. Then Mia will raise us and Devon will end up freakier than ever.

Here I paused because as a parent it is always fascinating to hear just how much your children understand what’s happening underneath all the day to day grind. And which depression was she thinking about? The one after Devon was born? After my dad died?

As if reading my mind she said: The time when you went to bed for a year after Pop died. That was awful.

Me: Cass, I can’t promise you anything I can’t deliver, but here are my hopes…. Your dad is coming home in about two weeks. Then he will be going to Denver to meet with specialists about his condition. He has being seeing doctors here when he is home, but we’re going to get an in depth look at his issues. Then we are going to work on all of us moving in together in the next few months. Yes, our family is somewhat broken but we are working on that as well. This too shall pass. As for me getting blue again, I work on that everyday and I’ll try to prevent us from ever having that happen again in the way it did.

I can deal with many things but nobody puts my baby in a corner. This Utah thing has gone on long enough and the folks at the other end of it are just too damn self-absorbed to understand the ramifications of their demands. My kids are a mess. I'm worn out -seriously worn out, not just bitching worn out. Yes, I totally get a man has cancer and a woman is suffering from dementia but neither of them are doing it with any grace or flair and it's pissing me off. There you go, now my ticket to hell is a gaurantee.


  1. Haha, someday, we are going to have a long email exchange, because compared to my anger and issues, this is still not hell-worthy.

    Let's put it this way: I have spent my entire life convinced that fathers don't love daughters as much as they love sons, that somehow they CANNOT.

    How's that for fucked up?

    I could be soooooo much meaner, and perhaps I will, but perhaps you also sense that our TRUE viciousness is perhaps not for public consumption. I know for sure that I've said out loud far worse than anything either of us have written, and that I've said it in great detail and often.

    My mother called me this morning and asked me if Matt were in danger of having another stroke because he was taking the train out yesterday. I told her I didn't know. What I do know is that I came home and slept for almost two weeks, and I haven't had a stroke, so I can't imagine how tired Matt is. But I heard his voice on the phone today and he is very tired.

  2. Nah, you don't go to hell for that kind of stuff. Your anger is justified, and this is mild compared to the thinks I think when I'm even only irritated. We were dealing with a family member with cancer, an in-law of mine, when I finally said ENOUGH. Because cancer is not a free pass to be a bitch to everyone. Anyway! I hope things settle down for you soon. xoxo

  3. J- When I think of Utah it makes me wanna drink. A lot.

    C- You're totally right. The Cancer card is not emboldened with :I'm an asshole and I deserve to be!

    This too shall pass. It is my mantra.

  4. I have to say I really don't see what could possibly be putting you on the highway to hell. You seem outright angelic.